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Thursday, September 4, 2008

From Your Fallopian Tube With Love  

Dear jyl @ mommygossip,

This is your right fallopian tube writing. You know, the one whose loyalty knows no bounds. The one who, when leftie chose to exit stage right during last year's surgery, stuck around to see you through all of your annoying visits with Aunt Flo. The one who makes it possible to think about having baby number 3. I know you probably aren't gonna really do it, but a girl needs to feel empowered, right? Hey! That's me feeding that need. Little rightie over here. Tiny, overlooked, important-key-to-your-baby-producing success, rightie. The one who stayed with you and helped you not have to have the whole enchilada during surgery, which would have required hormones and would have added a whole heck of a lot more time to your already lengthy recovery. Loyal to the end, righteous rightie, that's me. Have you forgotten all we've been through together?

After such a guilt-inducing introduction (did it work?), let me get to the point of my letter. I am sick and tired of you complaining every month about the increase in Aunt Flo's, well, flow. I am also sick of hearing you scream out in agony that these are the worst cramps you have ever had. I mean, do you not remember Jr. High? Do I need to remind you of that certain 30-minute bus ride that was a few minutes too long and ended up with you in the nurse's office, calling home to mommy to get a change of clothes? Do you not remember that time during your college years when you were visiting home for Christmas break and you were puking your guts out from the pain of it all? I only have one word to say about your agony then compared to your apparent suffering now: WORSE! In fact, it was way worse then. You have grown into such a wimp. In the golden days, you could take it. You could really take it, even puking like a morning-sick-pregnant mommy and all.

Those cute little BC pills. You know the ones. Those are the real culprits here. I mean you had to take matters into your own hands and try to control things. You had to slow the flow and save H2O, wait... I mean. SHIZZLE! (One of my favorite new words borrowed from X) I don't know the chemical code for blood. Gosh! I really didn't want to use gore in this appeal, but this is what is has come down to. You wanted to shave time off my only period during the month to shine. Can't a girl enjoy more than her 15 minutes of fame for crying out loud? OK... I had 3 days, but it made you soft. You couldn't face us like a woman and are now intolerant of us, er me—rightie your right-hand man, I mean fallopian tube. So, after the surgery, when things went back to yonder years, you couldn't and still can't take it any more. I feel slighted.

So what now? Is this just rightie venting again? No, sister! This is a plea. An all and all out grovelling moment. I know! You thought it was beneath me. If you could see me, you'd find that I am down on whatever I have that compares to knees, begging you to GROW UP. Take me like a man, er woman, er tubie thingie. If it really gets bad, as in before, please remember to medicate right when the doorbell rings. Why wait until mid visit to drown out Auntie's painful presence? Those pillsies aren't narcotics, jyllybeans—just temporary relief. And while we are on the topic of relief, try and be nice to the family. I mean, they are all boys. They just don't get that you don't get along with your Aunt. They walk on egg shells each and every visit and they are tired of it.

So, do we have a deal? A girl can hope anyway, right? Just remember, I am still here for you. And, the sky is the limit! Life as you know it is not over just because leftie, well, left. You can do a lot with one tubular tube. I mean think of all you've accomplished this past year. Yep! That was just me enjoying the roller coaster ride that is your life with you, hanging on for dear life at times and screaming from the top of my, well, psuedo lungs, to go faster and do more loop-to-loops too.

You'll make it. Auntie Flo Flo won't be around forever, but it may only get worse before it gets better. I hear the older years can be difficult. So, stay strong and be loyal. Blood is thicker than water, right?


your ever loyal fallopian tube!

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28 bits of juicy gossip: to “ From Your Fallopian Tube With Love

  • Good N Crazy
    September 5, 2008 at 12:37 AM  

    Okay. That was not one for the male readers around? should get rid of your Bachelor pal anyway!

    I got an IUD recently, due to the massive bleeding in my world. So far...LOVE it.

    Sorry for the too much information..but..YOU started it.

    And thank you thank you thank you for the vote!! You rock. Now go to bed it's late there. I know cuz it's late here!

  • Jyl @ MommyGossip
    September 5, 2008 at 12:44 AM  

    Good n Crazy... What are you doing up? And, I totally got rid of Mr. So Wants to Be Part of Our World, But Isn't. Forever banned, yep! That's him.

    Also, I did totally start it and with pleasure. And you know why? Because life isn't all lemonade. Lemons come first. BTW: I happen to like lemons except for the car variety. Sweet and sour is my new mantra--until, of course, I hit some more hard times. Then, I'll quickly change my mind :). In the meantime, I'll post about them. And, this has been a doozy of a lemon for me since 24 staples went right into my tummy last year. I hate even numbers.

  • Good N Crazy
    September 5, 2008 at 12:57 AM  

    funny? I hate odd numbers.
    (an LDS aside)
    I make hubby pray on odd days.

  • brookie cookie
    September 5, 2008 at 1:01 AM  

    Jyl since you are a empty nester I think that you should add a little baby into your life. I mean who doesnt want a bundle of nieces and nephews to hang out with and buy cheap christmas presents for.

    COME ON.

    Although, I did find your post a bit creepy with a little TMI, who can't relate, eh?


    Anyways I am going to re-edit my English assignment. Good heavens.


  • Elizabeth
    September 5, 2008 at 6:30 AM  

    HaHaHaHaHa! Love it! Very creative and funny fallopian tube post! And, by the way, I can relate! Aunt Flo is visiting our house this week and I'm pretty damn high on Advil right now, so it's all good!

    But, be sure to treat that right fallopian tube well. Remember, it's not her fault. She's been loyal. Just do like I do and stay drugged up! LOL

    Have a great weekend! Thanks for the giggle this morning!

  • Amanda @ notsoextraordinary
    September 5, 2008 at 6:47 AM  

    i just wrote a whole long comment about my woes with aunt flo... but it got deleted and i'm not wanting to rewrite it. basically though, i totally know what you're talking about here. i've had some seriously BAD encounters with that time of the month.

  • Kelly
    September 5, 2008 at 7:21 AM  

    That was cute, it made me LOL.

  • Rhonda
    September 5, 2008 at 7:34 AM  

    Oh. My. Stars.

    I have no words. Which is incredibly odd.

    Well said, though.

  • Mandy
    September 5, 2008 at 7:39 AM  

    You know I don't know you other than through the blogging world but when I read this I thought, "only mommy gossip..." and "another funny one from mommy gossip." I know I can always count on a good laugh from your blog. Keep them coming (the laughs, not your pain from aunt flo!) :-)

  • Linda S
    September 5, 2008 at 9:21 AM  

    I'm all about bonding with your body parts. I talk to mine on a regular basis, vajay jay and all. If they can't love you for who you are, then who can? Auntie doesn't come around much these days cause I'm getting on in years, so I have to rely on my bowels and sinuses for interesting's that for tmi?

  • Mekhismom
    September 5, 2008 at 10:03 AM  

    Love this post. I don't have the same conversation with my rightie because she has been good to me since leftie left. Yes, I am a one tube gal too - but rightie works and my little man made it her without a problem!

  • Good N Crazy
    September 5, 2008 at 10:08 AM  

    You empty nester you. And I saw your 'vote' over at Now THAT was a vote.

  • Cant Hardly Wait
    September 5, 2008 at 10:19 AM  

    you ought to punch that fallopian tube right in the face. what a bitch!

  • Rachel
    September 5, 2008 at 10:44 AM  

    I think that lone tube is trying to tell you something! Go for #3. :)

  • MomOf3
    September 5, 2008 at 11:29 AM  

    I popped over here after seeing the title of your post on Deb-Mom Of Three Girls. This was so hilarious! I will be back! :)

  • Petra
    September 5, 2008 at 1:11 PM  

    haha, very funny! Your fallopian tube is very articulate!

  • Your Pal Pinki
    September 5, 2008 at 1:26 PM  

    I love it when inanimate objects have a mind of their own. Thanks for the giggle.

  • Judy
    September 5, 2008 at 1:41 PM  

    Seems like I was YOU in junior high and high school. Puking, the whole thing! It was the highlight of my life. Not. Glad I don't have to deal with any of it anymore. Time does march on and we must march with it. Stay strong, sista!

  • Casey's trio
    September 5, 2008 at 9:45 PM  

    I've totally become more of a whiner now that I'm older too...enough of Aunt Flo already!

  • Jennifer
    September 6, 2008 at 10:18 AM  

    Whatever. She's still a bitch. Don't let the guilt trip fool you!

  • angie
    September 6, 2008 at 12:38 PM  

    Best ever fallopian tube letter I've ever set my eyes upon. Thank you right fallopian tube! :)

  • Marketing Mama
    September 7, 2008 at 10:34 AM  

    Wow, sorry to hear about your troubles!! I'm still enjoying the breastfeeding-induced period-free zone. I figure I have 2-3 more months before Aunt flo comes crashing back. It's one of the best parts of having a kid and breastfeeding --- no period! :)

  • Hannah Noel
    September 7, 2008 at 2:13 PM  

    Ho-Lee Crap.

    You're a genius; congratulations!!

    Haha. I would have never thought hearing a tubie-thingy to tell its' woman to grow-up could be so entertaining ;) ;)

    Oh-- and The Dark Knight is a good movie!!!
    A sister-vaca could be fun... except only one or two of us might not survive!!!

  • Abby
    September 9, 2008 at 10:22 AM  

    Oh my goodness this post had me cracking up!!! YOu are hilarious! Could you do me a favor and email me at ajcmeyer AT go DOT com I would love to have you do a guest spot for us on our blog We have a Tuesday's feature friend and I think you would bring some fun over to our blog!

  • texasholly
    October 1, 2008 at 7:38 PM  

    I think your fallopian tube is over reacting. I mean really. Sending you all that pain and...well other...and then having the audacity to complain about how you deal with it. Shizzle. Wow. That is a seriously fun word.

    Love this.

    Thanks so much for linking!

  • jill jill bo bill
    October 2, 2008 at 2:25 PM  

    I am thinking that all of our missing fallopians are having a party somewhere and prank calling the ones left behind. The left behinds are pissy and retaliate at the expense of those who still have a period. I never had a period. Mine were ALWAYS exclation marks. Thank God they are no more. Great post, name twin with the much cooler spelling!

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