Dear jyl @ mommygossip,
This is your right fallopian tube writing. You know, the one whose loyalty knows no bounds. The one who, when leftie chose to exit stage right during last year's surgery, stuck around to see you through all of your annoying visits with Aunt Flo. The one who makes it possible to think about having baby number 3. I know you probably aren't gonna really do it, but a girl needs to feel empowered, right? Hey! That's me feeding that need. Little rightie over here. Tiny, overlooked, important-key-to-your-baby-producing success, rightie. The one who stayed with you and helped you not have to have the whole enchilada during surgery, which would have required hormones and would have added a whole heck of a lot more time to your already lengthy recovery. Loyal to the end, righteous rightie, that's me. Have you forgotten all we've been through together?
After such a guilt-inducing introduction (did it work?), let me get to the point of my letter. I am sick and tired of you complaining every month about the increase in Aunt Flo's, well, flow. I am also sick of hearing you scream out in agony that these are the worst cramps you have ever had. I mean, do you not remember Jr. High? Do I need to remind you of that certain 30-minute bus ride that was a few minutes too long and ended up with you in the nurse's office, calling home to mommy to get a change of clothes? Do you not remember that time during your college years when you were visiting home for Christmas break and you were puking your guts out from the pain of it all? I only have one word to say about your agony then compared to your apparent suffering now: WORSE! In fact, it was way worse then. You have grown into such a wimp. In the golden days, you could take it. You could really take it, even puking like a morning-sick-pregnant mommy and all.
Those cute little BC pills. You know the ones. Those are the real culprits here. I mean you had to take matters into your own hands and try to control things. You had to slow the flow and save H2O, wait... I mean. SHIZZLE! (One of my favorite new words borrowed from X) I don't know the chemical code for blood. Gosh! I really didn't want to use gore in this appeal, but this is what is has come down to. You wanted to shave time off my only period during the month to shine. Can't a girl enjoy more than her 15 minutes of fame for crying out loud? OK... I had 3 days, but it made you soft. You couldn't face us like a woman and are now intolerant of us, er me—rightie your right-hand man, I mean fallopian tube. So, after the surgery, when things went back to yonder years, you couldn't and still can't take it any more. I feel slighted.
So what now? Is this just rightie venting again? No, sister! This is a plea. An all and all out grovelling moment. I know! You thought it was beneath me. If you could see me, you'd find that I am down on whatever I have that compares to knees, begging you to GROW UP. Take me like a man, er woman, er tubie thingie. If it really gets bad, as in before, please remember to medicate right when the doorbell rings. Why wait until mid visit to drown out Auntie's painful presence? Those pillsies aren't narcotics, jyllybeans—just temporary relief. And while we are on the topic of relief, try and be nice to the family. I mean, they are all boys. They just don't get that you don't get along with your Aunt. They walk on egg shells each and every visit and they are tired of it.
So, do we have a deal? A girl can hope anyway, right? Just remember, I am still here for you. And, the sky is the limit! Life as you know it is not over just because leftie, well, left. You can do a lot with one tubular tube. I mean think of all you've accomplished this past year. Yep! That was just me enjoying the roller coaster ride that is your life with you, hanging on for dear life at times and screaming from the top of my, well, psuedo lungs, to go faster and do more loop-to-loops too.
You'll make it. Auntie Flo Flo won't be around forever, but it may only get worse before it gets better. I hear the older years can be difficult. So, stay strong and be loyal. Blood is thicker than water, right?
your ever loyal fallopian tube!
Dear jyl @ mommygossip,